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Opinion: Boris Johnson wants to be prime minister because…?

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Opinion: Boris Johnson wants to be prime minister because…?

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Published by Max Salsbury for 24dash.com in Central Government

Opinion: Boris Johnson wants to be prime minister because? Opinion: Boris Johnson wants to be prime minister because?

By 24dash reporter Max Salsbury

London Mayor Boris Johnson has announced his intentions to run for parliament in next year’s general election.

Sadly booked up to be mayor until 2016, the cringeworthy schemer says that should he find a constituency sufficiently spannered-out on caviar and jingoism to vote him in, he’ll be able to adequately spread his ‘talents’ to cater for both roles – which suggest two things: 1. How little attention he feels the London mayoral role needs, and 2. How little effort you need to put in to operate as an MP.

Johnson’s contempt for high office aside, the real story is his gluttonous appetite to become prime minister. The question is: Why?

Apart from his own feeble existence, I can’t think of a thing Johnson stands for. Ok, there’s the smattering of humdrum right-wing conservative drivel and spittle one associates with such a breed, but there appears to be little else.

Earlier in his ‘career’ when he was pretending to be a journalist, the mediocrity was often keen to be forthright and let his inner self shine. Here are some of his thoughts on Africans:

"The Queen has come to love the Commonwealth, partly because it supplies her with regular cheering crowds of flag waving piccaninnies." (Daily Telegraph, 2002)

"The pangas will stop their hacking of human flesh and the tribal warriors will all break out in watermelon smiles to see the big white chief." (Daily Telegraph, 2002)

Defending colonialism in Africa: "Left to their own devices, the natives would rely on nothing but the instant carbohydrate gratification of the plantain." (The Spectator, 2002)

Speaking to UN workers and their black driver in 2003 on a jolly to Uganda: "Right, let's go and look at some more piccaninnies."

What interesting thoughts! Aren’t you proud?

Of course, this kind of contemptible tripe (or ‘pyramid of pifffle’ as Johnson might put it, and indeed did when questioned about his affair with the abysmal hack Petronella Wyatt. He was, of course, lying) goes a long way with a certain type - the sort of UKIP-voting, Top Gear-watching loser who truly, truly, truly believes that white men are the real victims of bigotry and prejudice in the UK today.

But Johnson is no fool. He might not be as ‘secretly clever’ as some of his fanboy admirers seem to think, but he’s not without sense. Certainly, he’s smarter than UKIP führer Nigel Farage, who hasn’t managed to figure that though borderline racist rhetoric is always going to appeal to a certain amount of bumbling middle-Englanders that are marinated in a sense of horrible failure and misery, it alienates far more people who tend to think about things.

Thus, Johnson has been canny these last few years and has severely curtailed his ethnocentric outbursts. The same is true of his thoughts on gay people. Back in those halcyon days, the hollow travesty loved a snipe at homosexuals. Nowadays, he appears to fully support Team Gay. And so it goes on.

He has other important beliefs too. He thinks it’s unfair to blame the bankers for the annihilation of the UK economy and crazy to stop their bonuses. A principled man. He has suddenly jumped on the anti-Europe bus. A wily man.

But what does all this amount to? Why does he want to lead the country? Just so he can say to himself “I have become prime minister”. For no real reason at all, in other words.

And the tragedy is, he has his supporters. Lots of people are apparently mesmerised by that bungling act, which a) Isn’t real, and b) Wouldn’t be funny or charming even it was real.

Johnson isn’t the worst possible person we could have for prime minister (Nigel Farage, for example, would be significantly worse) but he would be an appalling choice. He’s reactionary, unpleasant and actually quite stupid, but his biggest fault lies in the fact that the only reason he apparently wants to run the country is to be able to say he did.

(Oh, and even if Max Hastings has promised to leave the country if Johnson ever becomes PM, it’s still not worth it, ok?)


Other Johnson Gems

Like a lot of brave men, gets hot and sweaty shooting animals with powerful guns. "I remember the guts streaming, and the stag turds spilling out on to the grass from within the ventral cavity."

Called the £250,000 a year he’s paid to write a column of steaming horse yoghurt for the Daily Torygraph “chicken feed”.

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