An Olympian show of inexplicable might coming to a roof above you soon

Published by Max Salsbury on Friday, May 11th, 2012 at 21:56 pm

I was sat eating a pie the other night when the doorbell trilled. Intrigued as the doorbell hadn’t chimed for 5 years I dashed to see who it was.

And what a surprise: it was a man from the Ministry of Defence. Suspicious that he might be trying to collect money to buy some bolts for a fantasy aircraft carrier I struck a guarded pose.

Actually he wanted to know if I’d like to have a few ICBMs put on my roof.

“ICBMs?” I croaked, “haven’t they a large nuclear explosive quality?”

“I couldn’t possibly confirm nor disconfirm any of that” he replied.

I told him I’d have to think about it. This seemed to please him because then he told me that it didn’t matter what I thought as the rockets were already in place and that if I didn’t like it I could write to my MP who wouldn’t respond because he was presently very busy telling the Leveson Inquiry about how he didn’t know what emails or newspapers were.

So I braved a look at my roof and saw a cluster of pretty spiteful looking missiles bristling over the gutter.

“But what on earth are they for?” I asked.

“That, citizen, is none of your business” he chortled, before flashing me a photo of Sebastian Coe.

By the time I got back in my pie had gone cold and had been eaten by a colonel.